Date: December 22nd, 2025
This entry is going to be a bit depressing.
Everything feels surreal. I will be entering the new year even more sick than I am this year, and I
don’t have a lot of PTO left. Since it accrues over the year instead of us getting them all at once,
that’s a huge problem!
I usually ration most of my PTO days (aka neglect myself) until about half the year passes. That is
when I feel safe enough to take off work because it is a smaller block of time to use them in. My
health has declined so rapidly this year, after thinking graduating school would make me feel
better. This whole time, I thought I was burned out from being in school while working full time.
Changing my diet has helped me manage an autoimmune disease that I have, and somewhat POTS (at least
I’m not bedbound), but after recently getting diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic
Fatigue Syndrome, I am still reeling because of how quickly it has worsened. It's making it harder
for me to perform my job. I need a break but I can’t just…NOT work. I have support, but not enough
to warrant working less hours or leaving the workforce temporarily.
Almost all of my energy goes towards working. My health issues leave me in constant pain, fatigue,
nearly fainting, cognitive issues etc. I am so tired of dragging myself to work each morning. I am
tired of putting work above everything. I try to go out sometimes which is nice, and I have been
pushing myself to engage with hobbies, but the crash afterwards can be too much. I become angry and
irritated when I push myself to do things that I know I would find enjoyable in normal
circumstances. Creating art is now on the back burner again or at least I will be making more
infrequently (not good for joint issues, anyway). Getting back into MMOs has been the ideal at the
moment. At least I am doing something, you know? Even updating this website is doing something.
I need a break from life…….BUT I can’t get one ! So, I need to plan some outings for next year LOL.
Give myself something to look forward to or else I will spiral deeper into depression. If I will
feel bad regardless, I need to sprinkle in some fun once in a while.
I love reading back on my diary entries, so it can’t be all doom and gloom!
Date: December 21st, 2025
❤️ Grind, grind, grind, but only for fun ! I've gotten back into one of my favorite MMO's: Elder
Scrolls online. There’s an event going on where we get 100% XP boost + I can stack another EXP
boost
scroll. Gotta take advantage of it! In the clip, I am going from Dark Anchor to Dark Anchor in
one
of the best grinding areas in the game. I went from level 640 to 700 over the past few weeks.
I’ve also gotten into housing. I didn’t have “big girl job” money back when I played this like
it
was my job, so I decided to splurge on a house and I will slowly decorate it. LOVE how we can
add
onto the house and lot as well. I ended up adding more walls in some rooms because I’m not a fan
of
open concept spaces. I’ll post a tour eventually.
To my surprise, they added a feature (among many more) where we can see other people’s houses.
What
an amazing feature to come back to after ages of not playing ! I’m OBSESSED! I swear I could
spend
hours looking through
people’s houses.
🐕 In an attempt to cut back on Streaming services (Spotify for example), I have began to
accumulate
physical media. Most of my time has been spent burning CDs with the occasional CD bought on a
whim.
Aside from being able to hold the music in my hand, I’m currently listening to my MP3s on AIMP
(Android) and VLC (IOS), still getting used to my music not syncing between devices. Too lazy to
remedy this. Eventually I need to edit the meta data to add lyrics but that is a task for future
me.
I’m worried about falling back into listening to the same 5 songs again. Spotify helped me
FINALLY
branch out within the last year and a half. I was DETERMINED to break out of that habit. Let’s
see how finding music next year goes. I can already feel myself falling back into my old ways
lol.
I am so content with my 5 little songs, but I need more so I don't get tired of them. Music is
my
only
source of dopamine ! Can't risk going through a lull.
My music page is my way to encourage myself to branch out, and it'll be
fun to look back on (if I update it as I should lol).
🐍 I keep getting gifted Sanrio stress toys!! and end up using them as decorations because they
are
too cute to rip up ! I’m sorry, but Cinnamoroll would not have ears or a head when I’m done with
him.
Honestly, not even just Sanrio. I have some adorable stress toys at work that were gifted and
felt
so bad about ripping one! Why must a stress toy make me MORE stressed? I need to get one of
those
small
blue balls that I used to see everywhere. Where did those go?
Date: December 2025
New Therapist
I am going to see a new therapist in a few days.
In the past, I have seen quite a few and the end
result was always being told to see someone who is better equipped to handle my “complex”
case.
I
have recently come to terms with how sensitive I am to medication as well. Mental health
treatment
is supposed to include medication, but I am WORSE on medication to a disturbing degree. I
wonder
what that means for the future of my treatment.
This time might be different. This therapist has professional experience not only with some
of
my
mental health issues, but also ADULT AUTISM (standing ovation). They may be the only
therapist
in my
area that specializes in this. This is SO important because strategies geared towards
allistic
brains NEED to be adapted to the autistic neurotype, and I have not encountered a therapist
who
acknowledges this.
Interestingly enough, the therapist has not been practicing long, so I hope this equates to
less
archaic/biased autism knowledge, and a more open mind. I mean, they specialize in ADULT
autism.
That
is unheard of! Apparently people think once an autistic person turns 18 they
just……disappear?
They
are banished to the edge of society never to return?
I was diagnosed in adulthood and to my dismay, I have had little luck finding adult
resources
aside
from a sketchy therapist that turned out to just be an “autism mom”, and therapist who told
me
they
have dealt with autistic people, but their intervention for them was just……..”we have fidget
toys”.
I wish I was joking.
No one has explained autism to me or given me advice or resources on it. As usual, I have to
research my issues myself. I have learned that a therapist working with autistic patients
and a
therapist SUCCESSFULLY helping them are two different things.
Let’s see which bucket this therapist falls into.
Date: December 2025
🖥️ When I started graduate school, I promised myself that I would purchase a gaming PC
as a
graduation present. Ideally, building one would have been my goal, but the combination
of
indecisiveness and procrastination would have had me building that PC in 2032 (generous
estimate)!
With some much-needed guidance, I purchased my first prebuilt PC. So far so good, but my
cable
management is horrid. My desk is situated where I’m facing the door, so you’re met with
a
web of
cables as soon as you walk into the room. No worries, though. That can be taken care of
later.
🐾 I feel relieved to be finished with school forever and have these degrees and
certifications
under my belt. I’m proud of myself for taking my time with school, while also working
full
time
in
an incredibly demanding job role.
Date: November 2025
🌟 A few of my favorite installations from the Lantern Festival.
Date: November 2025
💫 Chinese Zodiac installations at the Lantern Festival. As usual, pictures
don't
show
how
lovely
they look in person against the night sky.
The tiger and dragon caught my eye the most, but the level of detail on each
animal
makes
them look
like they came out of a storybook.
I find it interesting how the color scheme is pretty consistant, especially the
blue
and
yellow
frame. Each design has enough splash of various colors to not overshadow the
animal,
and
the
background
does so well to handle what would have been white space. Ugh! so nicely balanced
in
relation
to the
animal! I would see to see the concept art for this !!
Reference for Animal + Year:
Chinese-zodiac
(Encyclopedia
Britannica)
Date: November 2025
⭐ I happened to look for a fun event to go to and decided to check out the
Japan
Festival.
Little did I know how large the turnout would be, to the point where I felt
like
I
was
in line
at
DisneyLand.
There I was, thinking I was EARLY !
💫 I loved the hustle and bustle around the booths and food trucks and the
view
of
the
lake.
Even
though it was freezing,
I think I prefer outdoor events once in a while, compared to being inside
with
bright
lights and
noise from the crowd echoing directly into my eardrums.
🌟 We pretty much explored. Stopped by to watch martial arts demonstrations,
sumo
wrestling,
games,
saw some beautiful Bonzai trees,
interactive solo performances, music and dancing on stage. I enjoyed people
watching
and
seeing
cosplayers, lolitas, furries, alt folks etc.
The band Kazha played near the end and I bought their CD which I turned out
to
enjoy. I
felt
like a
kid again, buying CDs with no
expectations of what the album would sound like.
⭐ It was a good day. The hours passed by quickly. The next thing I knew we
were
there
for
basically
the entire day!
Wish I took more photos, but I was just too in the moment again.
Date: November 2025
I always have to snap photos when I'm at a bakery. I wish I could have
tried
all
of
these
(they
were not gluten free)
but at least they had macaroons.
Getting hungry looking at these !
Date: August/September
🐞 I think I see the appeal of Golf.This was a nice middle ground
between
walking around
a
course and playing mini golf.
You're telling me I get to chill on a couch, eat comfort food, AND
have
the
golf
course
come
to
ME? All I have to do it take
two steps and swing? You should have told me this years ago.
Learning how to swing wasn't as hard as I thought, but it did take a
few
hours
before it
started
feeling more natural.
By that time, I was dripping in sweat and EXHAUSTED, but made some
shockingly
powerful/far
shots. I need to go back to see myself
reach my true potiental, I had no idea I was capable of such
powerful
swings
!!!
We
won't
talk
about my aim. I have no idea how
to control that ball, hopes and dreams carried it.
🍀 Go Karts ! My heart was popping out my chest. I could NOT get the
hang of
driving
those
LOL.
The whole time I was thinking
"anxiety fears me" because the race track is obviously viewable to
everyone
and
I did
not
want
to be perceived. I still had fun once
I decided to cruise along and enjoy this new experience (blocking
the
serious
drivers in
my
path, and getting playfully bopped by their carts).
It would be nice if there were separate tracks for competative
players
vs
people
on a
stroll
just taking it all in.
🌬️ Why is summer half the year? At least these smoothies were
weather
appropriate, but
I've
never had one made like this. It was mostly
ice chips and tasted delicious with the first two slurps, but I
could
barely
taste
anything
afterwards. If you like chewing ice, this smoothie
is for you.
Towards the end of the month, the weather started to become
bareable,
which
means more
park
trips until dalight savings ends. Guys it's 2025,
it should not be nightfall at 4 pm. We need to stay in this timezone
!!!
Date: July
🌠 I've been taking it easy lately. I owe it to myself to listen
to
my
body
and
create
more
fun
in my life.
Went to the mall and was genuinely surprised that I didn't leave
with
plushies,
espcially
the
duck wearing the shark hat...or maybe its a shark in
a duck suit? Ended up getting an edible plushie aka cotton candy
from a
cotten candy
vending
machine instead ! That was my first
time using one and it was so cool to watch. Too bad it was
missing
ingredients... so
we
didn't
get our money's worth, SAD !
⭐ One of my favorite shows, The Amazing World of Gumball has a
new
season
out ! I've
been
looking
for a DVD/Blu-ray with complete seasons to build up a collection
of
physical
media
that
I
cherish,
but apparently it doesn't exist yet. Maybe I'll be able to snag
one
after
This
season
has
been
out for a bit.
🌘 Cherished gift Astarian, holding a bouquet of flowers for me.
Don't
mind
if I do!
I
need
to
get into Baldur's Gate 3 again ! My health issues have kept me
from
playing
games
in general. Now is my chance to play it in bed alongside him and
make
him
proud. I
miss
gushing
over games. Need to change that soon.
Date: May/June
✨ I've been slowly getting out more, now that I've gotten
some
mobility
back!
Started off strong with these poor ankles getting crammed
into a
vehicle
and off
for
a
ride
to
go sight seeing. Luckily, the
line to the Lookout was fast moving for how long it was. Saw
a
lovely
view of
the
skyline
while
the sun was beaming down on us,
and found the glass flooring being frosted over amusing
because
you
would NOT
catch
me
walking
on clear glass flooring hundreds
of feet in the air LOL.There were maybe two or three clear
glass
panes
and NO
ONE
was
setting
foot on those. Everyone was like UHH I'M GOOD!!
✨ We didn't eat at the resturant ! No idea what kind of food
they
served
but the
layout
reminds
me of a carousel, so I had to get a shot!
I have a special place in my heart for themed resturants, so
it
was
a
treat
because
I
had no
idea what I was getting into when I
stepped off the elevator.
✨ I.love.sushi. The quest for trying Asian resturants will
never
cease.
I cannot
stop
thinking
about this place! I get into my food host mode and
study all the sushi that I order. This resturant has the
perfect
combination of
creative
yet
tasty sushi (still thinking about that sushi roll
I posted in food log with that off-white sauce....my skin is
STILL
crawling).
Yeah,
I
need
to
come here again and wipe that white sauce sushi memory
clean.
Man.. that sauce didn't even look right to begin with. It
haunts
me.
✨ Had to make a store run and stopped in my tracks after
seeing
my
old
loves
Gaara
and
Kakashi.
Sadly didn't play the machine, but I wanted to SOOO bad.
I wonder who ended up snagging them....
✨ Hoping to plan more outings soon :) !
Date: April 2025
Lovely day to take a trip to the "Save the Humans"
TROLLS
exhibit. I
wonder
what
the
installation
process was like, because they towered over us!
In general, it was nice to be at the gardens to enjoy
the
curated
beauty.
It reminds me of where we came from as human beings, and
how
we
are
a small
part
of
complex
systems
that have sustained life for so long.
It was so calming to just be. To observe and take in the
air. To
see
such a
diverse
array of
flowers
and trees and to touch and feel different textures.
Date: April 2025
Killing two birds with one drive
I packed my bag on the way to work, face scrunched
up,
with
tears
burning my
eyes.
The
weight of
its
contents matched how fatigued and heavy my body felt
from
being
forced
out
the
house
due
to
obligation.
If I couldn’t move my body to get out of the house
the
previous
weekend,
I
would
use
the
obligation
of work to my advantage. My bag was filled with
items
for a
small trip
to
the
water’s
edge. I
cried
as I packed, despite knowing this was the only way
to
beat
the
mental
block
in
my
mind.
I needed
a
small win with my depression.
I have no choice but to drive to and from work, so
taking a
detour
afterwards
would
be
simple,
since
I was already clean, fed, and in the car. I spent
the
entire
day
mentally
preparing,
got
on the
road
after my shift and enjoyed dinner with my boyfriend
while
being
blinded
by
the
glistening water.
Most importantly, we saw ducks.
Date: March 2025
Daylight savings almost makes up for the lack of
holidays in
the
beginning
of
the
year. I
miss
it as soon as we fall back an hour, even though
standard
time adds
to
the
coziness
of the
holidays at the end of the year.
We have the sun back. I can leave work without
worrying
about it
getting
dark
within
minutes
when I run errands or want to go to the park. I
can
go
on
walks in
my
neighborhood
in the
sunlight, instead of being too scared to go out
in
the
cover
of
night.
Who
or
what
else
might be
using the darkness as cover?
**
I keep thinking about the ducks that were still
at
the
park
swimming
in
the
lake
during the
40
degree weather. I wonder what ended up happening
to
them
and
why
they
didn't
fly
south for
the
winter. I crack up everytime I think of them !
I am so excited to see more ducks, now that the
weather
is
warmer!
Wish
I
could
sit
with
them
and pet them. Now, I could use my free
will
and
try
it, but
I
have
a
feeling that I
might not like their use of free will towards
me.
**
With such a great time of year for sunlight,
this is
also
when
severe
weather
and
tornadoes
become more frequent. I dread tornado season
!!!!! I
am
currently
charging
my
devices and
getting a backpack ready as I type this. Each
season
they
get worse
and
during
these
last
few
years, there have been more during the off
season.
If I
ever
buy a
house, I
need
to
move
somewhere with a basement for some peace of
mind.
Date: March 2025
Ruetine”. I have rued many days.
I’ve adopted that spelling for this moment
only,
to
emphasize
that I
am
NOTHING
without
a
routine. My daily routine to prepare for
work is
the
only reason
why
I
consistently take
care of my hygiene and bodily needs: shower,
brush
teeth, eat,
moisturize,
style
my
thick
textured hair…. the works.
You really think you know yourself
until
the
routine
switches
from
obligatory to
optional. I had the misfortune of realizing
this
a
few
months
ago
when I
was
allowed to
temporarily (yet reluctantly by management)
work
from
home for a
few
weeks.
I was excited. The majority of my
energy
is
centered
around
getting
through the
work
day and work week, so I thought the relief
of
not
being
on site
would be
one
less energy
syphon. I had already been dealing with
burnout
for
the
past few
years,
but
in
the
months
leading up to that, I was getting worse.
I cry over everything, but I noticed
a
progression. I
was
sobbing
Sunday
night
before work, the night before work, on my
way to
work,
at
work.
I
was
making a
habit of getting to work late (by a few
minutes)
because
my body
was
so
heavy, I
could
barely get out of bed.
Needless to say, when the time came,
I
smelled
bad, I
could
feel
the
dirt on my
skin, I was unkempt, and essentially starved
myself
for
most of
my
days.
I
had
little
bursts
of energy and sporadically did bits and
pieces
of my
routine
after
my
brain
suddenly let
the
task paralysis waver. It was short lived,
but at
least I
did
something.
Ironically, I
did
drink a healthy amount of water. Little
victories.
I know myself a little better now. I
shatter
with no
routine,
even
more
so
because I
am so utterly burned out. The obligation of
my
work
routine
forces
me to
not
rot
away
under
my sheets and pillows. It has created the
facade
of
a
well put
together
young
woman
ready to
take on the day’s tasks within the
workforce.
I had myself fooled. I had no idea.
How scary.
Date: Feburary 2025
Wage slave Lamenting
I don’t feel like a person. Not in the
familiar
Autistic
sense
of
feeling
like an
otherworldly being that was abandoned on
Earth,
but
the
concept
of
existing,
mindlessly
programmed with two objectives:
Clock
in.
Blur.
Clock
out. Blur. More
times
than
I’d
like to
admit,
literally a blur
because my tears distort my
surroundings. I
wish
I
could
fuse my
emotions
into those
tears and have them wiped away.
For years, I have been burned
out
and
unfortunately
ill
in
more
ways
than
one,
physically, mentally- permanently. It
feels
weird to
write.
Actually, it
feels
painful
to write. Emotionally, I don’t want to
accept
how my
youth
has
been
spent in
pain
and
discomfort. It has manifested into a
melancholic
personality. I
recently
learned why
the
pain and discomfort persisted. I hadn’t
realized
the
beginning
of
the
end
had come
and
gone over a decade ago. What was the
catalyst? I
will never
know…
Physically, my body aches and breaks,
nothing
new
under the
sun.
Burnout has my neurodivergence
and
health
issues
laid
bare
for
all
to see. I
carry on my day as if I am yet another
working
adult, but I
am
not.
I am
disabled.
Disabled enough to need help with basic
tasks
and
taking
care of
myself,
after
moving
mountains at work, but “normal” enough
to be
expected to
live
like
someone
who isn't
disabled.
How can these situations
coexist?
I have no choice but to find out