New Therapist
I am going to see a new therapist in a few days.
In the past, I have seen quite a few and the end
result was always being told to see someone who is better equipped to handle my “complex” case. I
have recently come to terms with how sensitive I am to medication as well. Mental health treatment
is supposed to include medication, but I am WORSE on medication to a disturbing degree. I wonder
what that means for the future of my treatment.
This time might be different. This therapist has professional experience not only with some of my
mental health issues, but also ADULT AUTISM (standing ovation). They may be the only therapist in my
area that specializes in this. This is SO important because strategies geared towards allistic
brains NEED to be adapted to the autistic neurotype, and I have not encountered a therapist who
acknowledges this.
Interestingly enough, the therapist has not been practicing long, so I hope this equates to less
archaic/biased autism knowledge, and a more open mind. I mean, they specialize in ADULT autism. That
is unheard of! Apparently people think once an autistic person turns 18 they just……disappear? They
are banished to the edge of society never to return?
I was diagnosed in adulthood and to my dismay, I have had little luck finding adult resources aside
from a sketchy therapist that turned out to just be an “autism mom”, and therapist who told me they
have dealt with autistic people, but their intervention for them was just……..”we have fidget toys”.
I wish I was joking.
No one has explained autism to me or given me advice or resources on it. As usual, I have to
research my issues myself. I have learned that a therapist working with autistic patients and a
therapist SUCCESSFULLY helping them are two different things.
Let’s see which bucket this therapist falls into.
I am at my wits end.
🖥️ When I started graduate school, I promised myself that I would purchase a gaming PC as a
graduation present. Ideally, building one would have been my goal, but the combination of
indecisiveness and procrastination would have had me building that PC in 2032 (generous
estimate)!
With some much-needed guidance, I purchased my first prebuilt PC. So far so good, but my cable
management is horrid. My desk is situated where I’m facing the door, so you’re met with a web of
cables as soon as you walk into the room. No worries, though. That can be taken care of later.
🐾 I feel relieved to be finished with school forever and have these degrees and certifications
under my belt. I’m proud of myself for taking my time with school, while also working full time
in
an incredibly demanding job role.
🌟 A few of my favorite installations from the Lantern Festival.
💫 Chinese Zodiac installations at the Lantern Festival. As usual, pictures don't show
how
lovely
they look in person against the night sky.
The tiger and dragon caught my eye the most, but the level of detail on each animal
makes
them look
like they came out of a storybook.
I find it interesting how the color scheme is pretty consistant, especially the blue and
yellow
frame. Each design has enough splash of various colors to not overshadow the animal, and
the
background
does so well to handle what would have been white space. Ugh! so nicely balanced in
relation
to the
animal! I would see to see the concept art for this !!
Reference for Animal + Year:
Chinese-zodiac (Encyclopedia
Britannica)
⭐ I happened to look for a fun event to go to and decided to check out the Japan
Festival.
Little did I know how large the turnout would be, to the point where I felt like I
was
in line
at
DisneyLand.
There I was, thinking I was EARLY !
💫 I loved the hustle and bustle around the booths and food trucks and the view of
the
lake.
Even
though it was freezing,
I think I prefer outdoor events once in a while, compared to being inside with
bright
lights and
noise from the crowd echoing directly into my eardrums.
🌟 We pretty much explored. Stopped by to watch martial arts demonstrations, sumo
wrestling,
games,
saw some beautiful Bonzai trees,
interactive solo performances, music and dancing on stage. I enjoyed people watching
and
seeing
cosplayers, lolitas, furries, alt folks etc.
The band Kazha played near the end and I bought their CD which I turned out to
enjoy. I
felt
like a
kid again, buying CDs with no
expectations of what the album would sound like.
⭐ It was a good day. The hours passed by quickly. The next thing I knew we were
there
for
basically
the entire day!
Wish I took more photos, but I was just too in the moment again.
I always have to snap photos when I'm at a bakery. I wish I could have tried all
of
these
(they
were not gluten free)
but at least they had macaroons.
Getting hungry looking at these !
🐞 I think I see the appeal of Golf.This was a nice middle ground between
walking around
a
course and playing mini golf.
You're telling me I get to chill on a couch, eat comfort food, AND have the
golf
course
come
to
ME? All I have to do it take
two steps and swing? You should have told me this years ago.
Learning how to swing wasn't as hard as I thought, but it did take a few
hours
before it
started
feeling more natural.
By that time, I was dripping in sweat and EXHAUSTED, but made some
shockingly
powerful/far
shots. I need to go back to see myself
reach my true potiental, I had no idea I was capable of such powerful swings
!!!
We
won't
talk
about my aim. I have no idea how
to control that ball, hopes and dreams carried it.
🍀 Go Karts ! My heart was popping out my chest. I could NOT get the hang of
driving
those
LOL.
The whole time I was thinking
"anxiety fears me" because the race track is obviously viewable to everyone
and
I did
not
want
to be perceived. I still had fun once
I decided to cruise along and enjoy this new experience (blocking the
serious
drivers in
my
path, and getting playfully bopped by their carts).
It would be nice if there were separate tracks for competative players vs
people
on a
stroll
just taking it all in.
🌬️ Why is summer half the year? At least these smoothies were weather
appropriate, but
I've
never had one made like this. It was mostly
ice chips and tasted delicious with the first two slurps, but I could barely
taste
anything
afterwards. If you like chewing ice, this smoothie
is for you.
Towards the end of the month, the weather started to become bareable, which
means more
park
trips until dalight savings ends. Guys it's 2025,
it should not be nightfall at 4 pm. We need to stay in this timezone !!!
🌠 I've been taking it easy lately. I owe it to myself to listen to my
body
and
create
more
fun
in my life.
Went to the mall and was genuinely surprised that I didn't leave with
plushies,
espcially
the
duck wearing the shark hat...or maybe its a shark in
a duck suit? Ended up getting an edible plushie aka cotton candy from a
cotten candy
vending
machine instead ! That was my first
time using one and it was so cool to watch. Too bad it was missing
ingredients... so
we
didn't
get our money's worth, SAD !
⭐ One of my favorite shows, The Amazing World of Gumball has a new
season
out ! I've
been
looking
for a DVD/Blu-ray with complete seasons to build up a collection of
physical
media
that
I
cherish,
but apparently it doesn't exist yet. Maybe I'll be able to snag one
after
This
season
has
been
out for a bit.
🌘 Cherished gift Astarian, holding a bouquet of flowers for me. Don't
mind
if I do!
I
need
to
get into Baldur's Gate 3 again ! My health issues have kept me from
playing
games
in general. Now is my chance to play it in bed alongside him and make
him
proud. I
miss
gushing
over games. Need to change that soon.
✨ I've been slowly getting out more, now that I've gotten some
mobility
back!
Started off strong with these poor ankles getting crammed into a
vehicle
and off
for
a
ride
to
go sight seeing. Luckily, the
line to the Lookout was fast moving for how long it was. Saw a
lovely
view of
the
skyline
while
the sun was beaming down on us,
and found the glass flooring being frosted over amusing because you
would NOT
catch
me
walking
on clear glass flooring hundreds
of feet in the air LOL.There were maybe two or three clear glass
panes
and NO
ONE
was
setting
foot on those. Everyone was like UHH I'M GOOD!!
✨ We didn't eat at the resturant ! No idea what kind of food they
served
but the
layout
reminds
me of a carousel, so I had to get a shot!
I have a special place in my heart for themed resturants, so it was
a
treat
because
I
had no
idea what I was getting into when I
stepped off the elevator.
✨ I.love.sushi. The quest for trying Asian resturants will never
cease.
I cannot
stop
thinking
about this place! I get into my food host mode and
study all the sushi that I order. This resturant has the perfect
combination of
creative
yet
tasty sushi (still thinking about that sushi roll
I posted in food log with that off-white sauce....my skin is STILL
crawling).
Yeah,
I
need
to
come here again and wipe that white sauce sushi memory clean.
Man.. that sauce didn't even look right to begin with. It haunts me.
✨ Had to make a store run and stopped in my tracks after seeing my
old
loves
Gaara
and
Kakashi.
Sadly didn't play the machine, but I wanted to SOOO bad.
I wonder who ended up snagging them....
✨ Hoping to plan more outings soon :) !
Lovely day to take a trip to the "Save the Humans" TROLLS
exhibit. I
wonder
what
the
installation
process was like, because they towered over us!
In general, it was nice to be at the gardens to enjoy the
curated
beauty.
It reminds me of where we came from as human beings, and how we
are
a small
part
of
complex
systems
that have sustained life for so long.
It was so calming to just be. To observe and take in the air. To
see
such a
diverse
array of
flowers
and trees and to touch and feel different textures.
Killing two birds with one drive
I packed my bag on the way to work, face scrunched up, with
tears
burning my
eyes.
The
weight of
its
contents matched how fatigued and heavy my body felt from
being
forced
out
the
house
due
to
obligation.
If I couldn’t move my body to get out of the house the
previous
weekend,
I
would
use
the
obligation
of work to my advantage. My bag was filled with items for a
small trip
to
the
water’s
edge. I
cried
as I packed, despite knowing this was the only way to beat
the
mental
block
in
my
mind.
I needed
a
small win with my depression.
I have no choice but to drive to and from work, so taking a
detour
afterwards
would
be
simple,
since
I was already clean, fed, and in the car. I spent the entire
day
mentally
preparing,
got
on the
road
after my shift and enjoyed dinner with my boyfriend while
being
blinded
by
the
glistening water.
Most importantly, we saw ducks.
Daylight savings almost makes up for the lack of
holidays in
the
beginning
of
the
year. I
miss
it as soon as we fall back an hour, even though standard
time adds
to
the
coziness
of the
holidays at the end of the year.
We have the sun back. I can leave work without worrying
about it
getting
dark
within
minutes
when I run errands or want to go to the park. I can go
on
walks in
my
neighborhood
in the
sunlight, instead of being too scared to go out in the
cover
of
night.
Who
or
what
else
might be
using the darkness as cover?
**
I keep thinking about the ducks that were still at the
park
swimming
in
the
lake
during the
40
degree weather. I wonder what ended up happening to them
and
why
they
didn't
fly
south for
the
winter. I crack up everytime I think of them !
I am so excited to see more ducks, now that the weather
is
warmer!
Wish
I
could
sit
with
them
and pet them. Now, I could use my free will and
try
it, but
I
have
a
feeling that I
might not like their use of free will towards me.
**
With such a great time of year for sunlight, this is
also
when
severe
weather
and
tornadoes
become more frequent. I dread tornado season !!!!! I am
currently
charging
my
devices and
getting a backpack ready as I type this. Each season
they
get worse
and
during
these
last
few
years, there have been more during the off season. If I
ever
buy a
house, I
need
to
move
somewhere with a basement for some peace of mind.
Ruetine”. I have rued many days.
I’ve adopted that spelling for this moment only, to
emphasize
that I
am
NOTHING
without
a
routine. My daily routine to prepare for work is the
only reason
why
I
consistently take
care of my hygiene and bodily needs: shower, brush
teeth, eat,
moisturize,
style
my
thick
textured hair…. the works.
You really think you know yourself until the
routine
switches
from
obligatory to
optional. I had the misfortune of realizing this a
few
months
ago
when I
was
allowed to
temporarily (yet reluctantly by management) work
from
home for a
few
weeks.
I was excited. The majority of my energy is
centered
around
getting
through the
work
day and work week, so I thought the relief of not
being
on site
would be
one
less energy
syphon. I had already been dealing with burnout for
the
past few
years,
but
in
the
months
leading up to that, I was getting worse.
I cry over everything, but I noticed a
progression. I
was
sobbing
Sunday
night
before work, the night before work, on my way to
work,
at
work.
I
was
making a
habit of getting to work late (by a few minutes)
because
my body
was
so
heavy, I
could
barely get out of bed.
Needless to say, when the time came, I
smelled
bad, I
could
feel
the
dirt on my
skin, I was unkempt, and essentially starved myself
for
most of
my
days.
I
had
little
bursts
of energy and sporadically did bits and pieces of my
routine
after
my
brain
suddenly let
the
task paralysis waver. It was short lived, but at
least I
did
something.
Ironically, I
did
drink a healthy amount of water. Little victories.
I know myself a little better now. I shatter
with no
routine,
even
more
so
because I
am so utterly burned out. The obligation of my work
routine
forces
me to
not
rot
away
under
my sheets and pillows. It has created the facade of
a
well put
together
young
woman
ready to
take on the day’s tasks within the workforce.
I had myself fooled. I had no idea.
How scary.
Wage slave Lamenting
I don’t feel like a person. Not in the familiar
Autistic
sense
of
feeling
like an
otherworldly being that was abandoned on Earth,
but
the
concept
of
existing,
mindlessly
programmed with two objectives: Clock
in.
Blur.
Clock
out. Blur. More times than
I’d
like to
admit,
literally a blur
because my tears distort my surroundings. I wish
I
could
fuse my
emotions
into those
tears and have them wiped away.
For years, I have been burned out and
unfortunately
ill
in
more
ways
than
one,
physically, mentally- permanently. It feels
weird to
write.
Actually, it
feels
painful
to write. Emotionally, I don’t want to accept
how my
youth
has
been
spent in
pain
and
discomfort. It has manifested into a melancholic
personality. I
recently
learned why
the
pain and discomfort persisted. I hadn’t realized
the
beginning
of
the
end
had come
and
gone over a decade ago. What was the catalyst? I
will never
know…
Physically, my body aches and breaks, nothing
new
under the
sun.
Burnout has my neurodivergence and
health
issues
laid
bare
for
all
to see. I
carry on my day as if I am yet another working
adult, but I
am
not.
I am
disabled.
Disabled enough to need help with basic tasks
and
taking
care of
myself,
after
moving
mountains at work, but “normal” enough to be
expected to
live
like
someone
who isn't
disabled.
How can these situations coexist?
I have no choice but to find out