Date: August 2025
š I've been taking it easy lately. I owe it to myself to listen to my body and create more fun in my life.
Went to the mall and was genuinely surprised that I didn't leave with plushies, espcially the duck wearing the shark hat...or maybe its a shark in
a duck suit? Ended up getting an edible plushie aka cotton candy from a cotten candy vending machine instead ! That was my first
time using one and it was so cool to watch. Too bad it was missing ingredients... so we didn't get our money's worth, SAD !
ā One of my favorite shows, The Amazing World of Gumball has a new season out ! I've been looking
for a DVD/Blu-ray with complete seasons to build up a collection of physical media that I cherish,
but apparently it doesn't exist yet. Maybe I'll be able to snag one after This season has been out for a bit.
š Cherished gift Astarian, holding a bouquet of flowers for me. Don't mind if I do! I need to get into Baldur's Gate 3 again ! My health issues have kept me from playing games
in general. Now is my chance to play it in bed alongside him and make him proud. I miss gushing over games. Need to change that soon.
Getting out more
Date: June - July, 2025
āØ I've been slowly getting out more, now that I've gotten some mobility back!
Started off strong with these poor ankles getting crammed into a vehicle and off for a ride to
go sight seeing. Luckily, the
line to the Lookout was fast moving for how long it was. Saw a lovely view of the skyline while
the sun was beaming down on us,
and found the glass flooring being frosted over amusing because you would NOT catch me walking
on clear glass flooring hundreds
of feet in the air LOL.There were maybe two or three clear glass panes and NO ONE was setting
foot on those. Everyone was like UHH I'M GOOD!!
āØ We didn't eat at the resturant ! No idea what kind of food they served but the layout reminds
me of a carousel, so I had to get a shot!
I have a special place in my heart for themed resturants, so it was a treat because I had no
idea what I was getting into when I
stepped off the elevator.
āØ I.love.sushi. The quest for trying Asian resturants will never cease. I cannot stop thinking
about this place! I get into my food host mode and
study all the sushi that I order. This resturant has the perfect combination of creative yet
tasty sushi (still thinking about that sushi roll
I posted in food log with that off-white sauce....my skin is STILL crawling). Yeah, I need to
come here again and wipe that white sauce sushi memory clean.
Man.. that sauce didn't even look right to begin with. It haunts me.
āØ Had to make a store run and stopped in my tracks after seeing my old loves Gaara and Kakashi.
Sadly didn't play the machine, but I wanted to SOOO bad.
I wonder who ended up snagging them....
āØ Hoping to plan more outings soon :) !
Day trip to the gardens
Date: April 16th, 2025
Lovely day to take a trip to the "Save the Humans" TROLLS exhibit. I wonder what the
installation
process was like, because they towered over us!
In general, it was nice to be at the gardens to enjoy the curated beauty.
It reminds me of where we came from as human beings, and how we are a small part of complex
systems
that have sustained life for so long.
It was so calming to just be. To observe and take in the air. To see such a diverse array of
flowers
and trees and to touch and feel different textures.
Killing two birds with one drive
Date: April 2nd, 2025
I packed my bag on the way to work, face scrunched up, with tears burning my eyes. The
weight of
its
contents matched how fatigued and heavy my body felt from being forced out the house due
to
obligation.
If I couldnāt move my body to get out of the house the previous weekend, I would use the
obligation
of work to my advantage. My bag was filled with items for a small trip to the waterās
edge. I
cried
as I packed, despite knowing this was the only way to beat the mental block in my mind.
I needed
a
small win with my depression.
I have no choice but to drive to and from work, so taking a detour afterwards would be
simple,
since
I was already clean, fed, and in the car. I spent the entire day mentally preparing, got
on the
road
after my shift and enjoyed dinner with my boyfriend while being blinded by the
glistening water.
Most importantly, we saw ducks.
Daylight time ramblings
Date: March 14, 2025
Daylight savings almost makes up for the lack of holidays in the beginning of the
year. I
miss
it as soon as we fall back an hour, even though standard time adds to the coziness
of the
holidays at the end of the year.
We have the sun back. I can leave work without worrying about it getting dark within
minutes
when I run errands or want to go to the park. I can go on walks in my neighborhood
in the
sunlight, instead of being too scared to go out in the cover of night. Who or what
else
might be
using the darkness as cover?
**
I keep thinking about the ducks that were still at the park swimming in the lake
during the
40
degree weather. I wonder what ended up happening to them and why they didn't fly
south for
the
winter. I crack up everytime I think of them !
I am so excited to see more ducks, now that the weather is warmer! Wish I could sit
with
them
and pet them. Now, I could use my free will and try it, but I have a
feeling that I
might not like their use of free will towards me.
**
With such a great time of year for sunlight, this is also when severe weather and
tornadoes
become more frequent. I dread tornado season !!!!! I am currently charging my
devices and
getting a backpack ready as I type this. Each season they get worse and during these
last
few
years, there have been more during the off season. If I ever buy a house, I need to
move
somewhere with a basement for some peace of mind.
āRuetineā. I have rued many days.
Date: March 3, 2025
Iāve adopted that spelling for this moment only, to emphasize that I am NOTHING
without
a
routine. My daily routine to prepare for work is the only reason why I
consistently take
care of my hygiene and bodily needs: shower, brush teeth, eat, moisturize, style
my
thick
textured hairā¦. the works.
You really think you know yourself until the routine switches from
obligatory to
optional. I had the misfortune of realizing this a few months ago when I was
allowed to
temporarily (yet reluctantly by management) work from home for a few weeks.
I was excited. The majority of my energy is centered around getting
through the
work
day and work week, so I thought the relief of not being on site would be one
less energy
syphon. I had already been dealing with burnout for the past few years, but in
the
months
leading up to that, I was getting worse.
I cry over everything, but I noticed a progression. I was sobbing Sunday
night
before work, the night before work, on my way to work, at work. I was
making a
habit of getting to work late (by a few minutes) because my body was so heavy, I
could
barely get out of bed.
Needless to say, when the time came, I smelled bad, I could feel the
dirt on my
skin, I was unkempt, and essentially starved myself for most of my days. I had
little
bursts
of energy and sporadically did bits and pieces of my routine after my brain
suddenly let
the
task paralysis waver. It was short lived, but at least I did something.
Ironically, I
did
drink a healthy amount of water. Little victories.
I know myself a little better now. I shatter with no routine, even more
so
because I
am so utterly burned out. The obligation of my work routine forces me to not rot
away
under
my sheets and pillows. It has created the facade of a well put together young
woman
ready to
take on the dayās tasks within the workforce.
I had myself fooled. I had no idea.
How scary.
Wage slave Lamenting
Date: Feb 25, 2025
I donāt feel like a person. Not in the familiar Autistic sense of feeling
like an
otherworldly being that was abandoned on Earth, but the concept of existing,
mindlessly
programmed with two objectives: Clock in. Blur.
Clock
out. Blur. More times than Iād like to admit,
literally a blur
because my tears distort my surroundings. I wish I could fuse my emotions
into those
tears and have them wiped away.
For years, I have been burned out and unfortunately ill in more ways
than
one,
physically, mentally- permanently. It feels weird to write. Actually, it
feels
painful
to write. Emotionally, I donāt want to accept how my youth has been spent in
pain
and
discomfort. It has manifested into a melancholic personality. I recently
learned why
the
pain and discomfort persisted. I hadnāt realized the beginning of the end
had come
and
gone over a decade ago. What was the catalyst? I will never knowā¦
Physically, my body aches and breaks, nothing new under the sun.
Burnout has my neurodivergence and health issues laid bare for all
to see. I
carry on my day as if I am yet another working adult, but I am not. I am
disabled.
Disabled enough to need help with basic tasks and taking care of myself,
after
moving
mountains at work, but ānormalā enough to be expected to live like someone
who isn't
disabled.
How can these situations coexist?
I have no choice but to find out