Evidence that I am cared about
Date: July 26th, 2026 - August 1st, 2026
♡ Coworker pulled me aside to tell me that we make a great team and she appreciates me.
♡ In heavy traffic, someone made space for me to merge into their lane, so I could cross the street.
♡ My boyfriend surprised me with a gift.
♡ I received an adoable Draw Box submission.
Attempted Social Murder
Date: July 22th, 2026
🎷 I spend nothing short of a sisyphean effort clawing my way through the work week during constant
flare ups.
Each day gets more difficult to take care of myself while fighting the urge to offload
tasks that keep me alive. I am human. I am a soft and fragile being and requires food, water, and a
clean body,
yet my brain resists these tasks in favor of saving energy to keep up with my job.
Is this a psychological experiment? Come to work feverish, nauseated,
embarrassingly brain fogged feeling like I was beaten from head to toe the day before,
while
expected to carry on business as usual? It's to the point where loved ones can
understand why I'm tired of being alive all the time. What a surreal experience to witness them say.
I can't even put into words how much anguish
I feel. I need a break, but I can't take one. I don't have a large enough safety net to catch me
when I fall.
Why is my brain and body so abnormal that standard treatment does not help me physically or
mentally?
In fact, medication somehow altered my brain negatively. Did something happen that cannot be undone?
Regardless, I am still trying to get better.
I'm seeing a new new new therapist who wants to help me process my trauma among other things and
seems
very attentive
so far. We have not started processing yet, but my nightmares have gotten worse just from filling
out
assessment paperwork LOL. Some buried memories that I have not thought about in years have come up.
I
feel shakey today. Hopefully I can ease some of these mental health issues at the very least !
I just need to keep my job...
🐈 Hmm but what about anything good lately? I went doll hunting but mostly stayed in the car because
it
hurt too much to walk, still had fun ! I finally started deep cleaning my room and I'm pretty sure
the
exertion of that
made this flare up worse. The rest of my room can wait until I get better, but what was cleaned was
a
HUGE
weight off me! Life hasn't been eventful apart from those...not that those were LOL. I go to work
then
come home and rest and/or work on my webbed site.
Also? It's too HOT to do anything ! Why is is almost 120 real
feel? and humid?..and it keeps storming.
Hopefully my next entry will be more positive.
Water Lantern Festival
Date: May 28th, 2026
🏮Our date night was at the Water Lantern Festival. Luckily, the rain headed our way vanished
from
the
radar and left us in the heat with enough of a breeze to still feel comfortable. Unlike most
festivals
here, the event was 90% sitting, which was why I was able to go.
The turnout was INSANE!! I thought it would fly under the radar, but 999.3 people showed up.
Needless to
say, I could not get a good seat for the performances, which was okay because it looked like
spring
break on the beach with all the people.
We sat in a less congested spot, enjoyed dinner then decorated our lanterns. I loved how it was
basically a giant picnic, with so many smiling faces and cute outfits. The performers were local
musicians and sang original songs and covers. There were also inspirational speakers and a
short,
guided
meditation before the main event.
As the sun set, all of the lanterns glowing looked beautiful, along with sparkles of light in
the
crowd
from flower crowns. We walked down to the lake and took turns sending our lanterns afloat, only
for
them
to be carried back to the shoreline due to the current. It was a lovely view, but I was bummed
because
nature did what it wanted. At least it didn’t rain, and the current made for easy clean up.
Overall, it was a nice experience but the type of event where it's one and done.
Life
Date: January - May 2026
🖥️ Work:
I wasn’t up to much outside of work. Upper management doesn’t run this company well, as far
as
leadership accountability is concerned, so some managers slacked off on their work for
years.
This
resulted in me scrambling to straighten things out to prepare a few departments to be audit
ready..
I have since been back to my normal work and projects. It was grueling, but at least the CEO
and
managers I helped thanked me over and over for my positivity, patience and hard work. One of
the
managers even got me a gift :)
. This will likely happen again, unfortunately.
🍎Health:
I was on PTO, down to my remaining days, so I had no choice but to consider legal
protections
especially
since I am the only person who does this job.
I applied for FMLA because I hit a breaking point. I spent weeks and weeks dragging myself
to
work
later
and later, floating through my shift in a daze. I seemed to improve for a day or two, but my
lows
keep
getting lower. Having FMLA is good to fall back on, but I still have to worry about how
often I
use
it
and when. I wish I could rest and attempt to recover when I need to. Having a full time job
is
so
inherently neglectful to my health…
My therapist wanted me to consider short or long term disability or even regular disability.
Previous
ones have also said this. It’s painfully obvious to everyone that a full time job is not
sustainable
for
me, but I am in no rush to have a reduced income and risk my job (if they decide I
am
disabled
enough to cover part of my income) or to live in poverty after navigating the burdensome
process
of
acquiring disability..
I’m also considering asking for remote work accommodations. I even have my own assigned work
laptop,
but
it mostly gathers dust because work controls whether or not we wfh. I’ve had no luck getting
a
remote
job, and my health is causing so much trouble that starting over would be risky, especially
knowing
FMLA
wouldn’t carry over. I don’t trust HR, so I must tread carefully about this.
🆙Promotion:
Long story short: The HR manager made a mistake with my promotion and sat on it for months
until
the
CEO
found out and told them to finalize it. I sadly will not get back pay and am bummed about
not
having
that extra income to cushion my savings since my health keeps declining. Yet another
situation
in a
pattern of behavior. Sure, this could have been an honest mistake that unfortunately cost me
months
of
money, but their behavior towards me since I got hired does not make me confident in their
intentions.
Oh well !
🤪Fun:
Let’s end this entry with some fun. I haven’t gone out much due to my health, and have been
mostly
resting outside of work lol. I was able to get out and go to the park and lay out on the
grass.
Went
in
person to shop at the mall. I’m proud of myself for walking more, even if it wasn’t long !
Watched movies, which I keep forgetting to keep track of!!, ate good food, bought new
Monster
High
Dolls, started growing food. Not the most eventful stretch of months, but as cozy as things
can
be
considering the current state of things.
Edible
Date: April 13th, 2026
🌱 We have dabbled with growing small vegetables like green onions, but we may turn this
hobby
into
something more sustainable, for now. Worth a try at least ! Good thing we've
been storing seeds for a rainy day.
So far, we have started small and will increase the size of our pots as we go on. We'll
figure
out
storage soon since growing food isn't allowed in our neighborhood, which is one reason
why
it
stayed
a
small
hobby
this long.
We also all have different needs when it comes to food restrictions, so there will be a
variety
of
fruits and
veggies to try to grow.
Let's see how this goes, starting off with Lettuce, Strawberries, Cilantro, and Bell
Peppers
!
Growing
strawberries was a core memory as a kid ^u^ !
Window Shopping
Date: March 1st 2026
🛏️ My fatigue is so bad outside of the work week, that I spend half of the weekend
in
bed.
Something
changed last week. I felt a different kind of tired because the world was passing me
by
while I
was
just
lying there. Sometimes it's good to push myself to do the opposite of what my body
wants
me
to
do. I
would deal with the consequences later! What better motivation than going to one of
my
favorite
restaurants? They do not deliver, so we had to dine in. The food was HEAVEN, as
usual.
🔥 We left the restaurant to head home until I realized I had to pee. I avoid public
restrooms
like
the
plague, but desperate times had me not wanting to risk peeing myself. Stopping at
the
bookstore
to
use
the restroom has it's perks. The smell of coffee and pastries at the cafe had me
floating on
air,
and of
course we couldn't leave without browsing. I also people watched here and there and
was
reminded
of
my
emo/goth days after seeing groups of alternative teens flood the manga section.
There were so many people there. Way more than normal! Some alone and others in
groups
browsing,
laughing, studying and doing their own thing. I am guilty of doomscrolling, so being
out
and
about
and
seeing people be people reminded me that the world isn't as bad as social media
portrays. I
can't
believe how easy that is to forget once a screen is in front of my face, which is
why I
detox
often!
Also, I LOVE displays!!! So glad we stopped there ! Sometimes I wish I could quit my
job
and
create
displays in stores. I wonder if that task would be as peaceful and creative as I
imagine. At
least I
can
mess with my own displays at home to get it out my system.
I walked away empty handed! Nothing stood out to me although a lot caught my eye.
Nice
outing. I
felt
like garbage/sick but...COPE! No bed rotting for me!
Therapy
Date: February 16th, 2026
Therapy has been an ordeal. Not therapy itself, but gaining access to it. Long
story
short,
I
dropped my
first therapist (mentioned in a past entry) due to the company's shady billing
practices.
Not long after, I found another therapist that seemed like a good fit (sadly,
doesn't
have
extensive
experience with
autistic/ADHD folks), but.... insurance happened. I had
to
advocate for myself continuously because I was charged LARGE bills out of
network.
After
the
burning rage dissipated, I sought
solutions with customer service after I cooled off. (lies, lies, lies with
them..except
two
people)
I came out of that situation exhausted, but proud of myself for hammering the
insurance
company…creating paper trails, documenting calls, getting employee IDs, and
gathering
evidence
to
prove
she was in network! What's frustrating was that the success was after they
"reduced"
my
bill
while
still
charging out of network... as if to get me to shut up and move on. They felt my
wrath
because I
continued to fight them. I was going to report
them to the state if that last effort was futile, but they must have sensed I
was at
my
last
straw
LOL.
I hope this doesn't happen again, but have learned a lot from this situation,
and it was a......good exercise for dealing with anger.
During that ordeal, my therapist was understanding and did not cancel my
reoccurring
appointments,
to make
sure no one took my slots. I was able to see her as soon as my claim was fixed.
I appreciate how she tries to get to know me, especially this early on. She
incorporates
my
hobbies
into
my coping skills, and we had a show and tell with our artwork. Her homework
isn't
given
offhandedly
with
no further check in like other therapists have done. It makes me look forward to
seeing
her
every
week.
It's a
strange feeling. I am interested in what she has to say. She also has voice that
belongs
in
a
meditation video.
Something that I find funny is that she mentioned being happy to work with
someone
who
knows
the
terminology and speaks her language. I have been dropped by many therapists for
being
"too
complex"
(aka handful of physical/Mental health issues), so I had to research and try to
help
myself
while
learning therapeutic
methodology and coping skills. I didn't expect that type of acknowledgement, but
it
was
nice.
Maybe I should become a therapist..joking.
I’m hoping she sticks with me and can help me improve my life. I know change is slow, so I will wait patiently.